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Written by Fanny Lucette, Ph.D. psychology professor, with M.A. degrees in related fields. She has been a counselor and educator for many years. Because of the sensitive and confidential nature of this topic, she wishes to remain anonymous and use the nom de plume of Fanny Lucette.

For many years I have taught, counseled, advised, and experimented with issues around relationships, sexual behaviors, thoughts, and fantasies. In my blog I present topics of interest and share my answer to questions that my college students (mostly) and a few clients or friends have asked over the ages.

I’ve heard it said that “there is nothing new under the sun,” and that certainly is true in the world of sexuality. We may think we’ve invented a new position, enacted new fantasies, discovered new thrills, but I can guarantee you that it’s all been done before. If you don’t believe me, check out www.ameanet.com, the World Museum of Erotic Art. The only difference is that much of what we do is becoming mainstream now.

In today’s world, questions often revolve more around whether something is too kinky or bizarre, if there are any legalities to be observed, is there anyone they can talk with about their kink, ways to make a good relationship better. Even when we think we are savvy about sex, I still get basic questions about how a person’s body functions, and what is happening when we get “turned on.”

My blog appears every Sunday morning with a new post. That seems like a good time to explore new options in bed with a lover, or even alone! What I write is honest, yet a bit casual and sometimes humorous, if not tongue-in-cheek. I have chosen not to post as a professional because I wanted this blog to be more fun than serious, with an occasional necessary lapse into serious stuff.

Sexuality is all about how we see ourselves. Your lover may think you are the sexiest thing alive, but if you don’t feel that way inside yourself, it doesn’t really matter. Recently, I wrote two posts, one for men and one for women, on what I call “sexy accessories.” Why don’t you spend a few minutes with me contemplating what you consider to be your own most sexy accessory, asset, attribute, or whatever you want to call it? What is sexually unique about you?

If you shop in a particular kind of place, you already have a specific type of sexiness in mind. A woman’s favorite accessory might be erect nipples that show a beautiful profile through that fine silk blouse, the feel of fabric rubbing against your skin. Absolutely magnificent! I love seeing that on a woman (including on myself)! Or maybe your man likes to wear those briefs (or thongs) with an elongated pocket for his most prominent manly asset. I admit to giggles when I look at the ones with an elephant trunk hanging in front.

Perhaps you like to wear those artificial eyelashes that sport tiny rhinestones or little feathers. It takes batting your eyes at someone to a new level. I can definitely see a come-hither look developing, although I’d have trouble keeping my eyelids propped open. But maybe those bedroom eyes can also be sexy.

Since I’m not a guy (last time I looked), I can’t tell you for certain what a guy thinks is his sexiest accessory, but I can tell you what I’ve heard men say, what I’ve read that men write, and what I see from a woman’s perspective. From the outside looking in, it seems that men believe well-defined muscle and six-pack abs are “it.” Or maybe it’s the haircut.

One gay male friend wrote what was attractive for him. “It is often the lower abdomen, also the shape of their full torso (shoulders through butt) – I like a kidney bean shape… also like European shape or Asian shape as opposed to a V torso, he-man type…I like androgynous male shapes.”

I realize that for both men and women, the final judgment is relative to sexual orientation. That doesn’t mean we don’t each change from time to time. The most ardent hetero- or homo-sexual person can see something sexually exciting about a person of the same or opposite sex at times.

Ever since I read a novel years ago where the woman wore a chain around her waist under all her clothes, I’ve been turned on by the thought of wearing a bra or thongs made up of nothing but rhinestones or pearls. I wonder if that would take away from the nipples showing through or enhance it? Mostly I wonder how uncomfortable that would be up your crack? Don’t you just love pondering things like that?

Now, what about the undies men wear? Some guys wear thongs, some wear boxers, or tightie whities, or black briefs. I’m more of a boxer girl, myself, but I mostly like the vision of a man with nothing on at all below the waist, but I guess men feel they need something to protect the “jewels,” or to keep them from flopping.

I could go on and on with stuff like leather panties that zip or tie up the front (for both men and women), bustiers and corsets, see-through baby dolls for that special feeling (even when no one else is around), long slinky dresses slit up to “here,” and miniskirts that show everything but the kitchen sink. We need to dress to please ourselves, as well as our partners, don’t you think?

Costumes are fun accessories. I especially like the pirate ones, with the fair maiden ready to be ravished. My problem is that I always wanted to be the captain of the pirate ship, willing to ravish both male and female! Wonder what that makes me??

Cowboys in tight jeans and boots, U.S. Navy uniforms (or uniforms in general), aloha shirts and shorts or surfer pants, three-piece suits – any of these styles of dress can be specific turn-ons. Physical items of interest to men and women I’ve talked with can be either a little hair on the chest or a lot, facial hair or no facial hair, wavy hair or no hair at all, sensuous lips, bedroom eyes. I remember falling for a rather handsome guy in high school who had a scar across his cheek, which made him look sexier than ever.

There was a time when I loved wearing high heels, but usually nothing more than three or four inches. Elegant beyond belief! High heels do something spectacular with the calf muscles in a woman’s leg, but I can’t imagine spending a day on my feet in some of the seven and eight inch heels that are popular. You certainly couldn’t teach or run after children in them, but if you can walk in them without keeling over, then wear them.

Cleanliness is a virtue, but a good musky smell can be very sexy. There is a difference between that gross never-take-a-shower B.O. and good honest sweat from a man’s laboring or working out. The smell of my own man is a major turn-on for me, and I tell him so.

My sexiest accessory is earrings! Even without a stitch of clothing, a magnificent pair of earrings can make me feel like the Queen of Sheba and sexy as hell. And if I forget to wear earrings when I go out, no amount of clothing will make me feel properly dressed.

I love big hoops, or many little hoops running up the edge of my ears. I love little diamond studs or long cascading pearls. Sometimes I put two different kinds of earrings into the same piercing, or even wear a different earring on each ear. Earrings, earrings, earrings!!! Sexy, sexy, sexy!!!

I asked my own lover what he considers to be his sexiest attribute or accessory, and he replied that it was his desire for “perfection in sex” for his partner. That was a very sweet thing for him to say. I know he does try to please me sexually above all else. He tries very hard (ahem) to make it perfect for me, but HE is perfect and shouldn’t try so hard. My response to him was that his personality and intelligence rise above everything else, even though other physical attributes he has are attractive to me.

Being turned on by brains doesn’t mean that (in the past) I haven’t had wild and crazy sex with someone who had the personality of a doornail and the intelligence of a slug (maybe even less). So what did they have?? Well, I’ll leave that part to your imagination (blush).

[Special Thank-You to Fanny Lucette, who write this perfect article on sexuality just for you, the readers of Catalina Loves.  I feel very blessed to have contributing authors of this quality and caliber.  Namaste]

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